Taken Off Guard

I love life.  I really do.  I love so many things - my husband, my family, my job, my small apartment, my beaten up car, my tiny kitchen where I create magic, the lake near my house, Hulu Langat - the cycling haven not far from my house, and of course food,  glorious food. I can't even begin to tell you how much I love food. And I love me - the not so perfect self.

But now there's a bump on the road. I'm dumbfounded. I have cancer. The Big C.

Slightly more than a month ago I discovered a lump at my armpit. It's not big, more like a swelling so obviously I ignored it. I mean it could be from the gym works or something. It stayed there and after a week I went to my usual clinic and asked if I should be worried. No, it seems. Could be an infection from shaving. So I was prescribed some antibiotics. It stayed there though and after a couple of weeks, after my husband's long awaited Ironman race, I went to a clinic that has ultrasound facilities.

It's big. That's what the doctor told me. It's about 4.5cm of lymph nodes. He urged me to go and see a surgeon to get an advise. And so I did - and this, my friends, is the beginning of my endless trips to bloody hospitals.

The first doctor I met was a general surgeon, the only one available on the same day.  He looked at the ultrasound report and said he needs more reports.  So I went to do another ultrasound and mammogram (I really hate mammogram, it always brings tears in my eyes).  Got the report, it didn't look good.  The doctor wanted to remove the tumour, and send it for testing and go from there.  Advise from everyone, get a second opinion.  

Next I went to see Prof Yip, renowned breast specialist.  She looked at the reports and did a biopsy using a monster needle.  Took down my phone number and said she'll be in touch in a couple of days.  The couple days came, and she said it's looking like breast cancer but needed further tests. Of course I agreed to it, and the result will be ready in another couple of days.

D-day.  I received a call from Orphancare about my long-awaited baby for adoption (and this is another story).  On the same day I received the confirmation from Prof Yip.  It is indeed breast cancer, stage 2 or 3, she couldn't confirm due to the huge mass of lymph nodes.  HER2 Positive, hence more aggressive than I hoped.  

I was taken off guard.  Dumbfounded. Shocked. Disoriented. Is this a fucking joke? 

This photo was taken while waiting to see Prof Yip. 

Freaking out!